A Chad By Any Other Name

Quick Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the world they inhabit. They were created by the fabulous people at Zombie Orpheus for their equally fabulous RPG, Masters of the Metaverse!  Be sure to tune in to Twitch.TV/zombieorpheus every Monday at 6PM PST to see more!

 

Zelenia, Magical Space Princess Burgertown, Inc. surveyed the ruined ballroom in what remained of the space station and sighed. What a mess. From behind her, she could hear the others making their way through the broken chairs, buffet tables, and dead magical space princesses. Luckily, not all the princesses had been killed in the battle and attempted poisoning. A handful had been saved from freezing to death and were now resting as comfortably as possible in the tiny station infirmary, completely overwhelming the staff there who were wholly unprepared to handle anything more complicated than a strained pinky or a bruised ego.

“Well, now what?” asked Vega, Magical Space Princess Blackstar, hands on her hips as she glanced about the room.

Ricci, Magical Space Princess Dynamax stepped forward and moved a small chandelier out of the way to reveal the body of their fallen leader, Galaxia. Galaxia’s head, or at least the top of it, was about twenty feet away under a chair and was nudged closer to its original home by Elliana, Magical Space Princess Fabulon’s right foot.

“We should do something with her, shouldn’t we?” asked Elliana, “A burial or something?”

“A burial? In the middle of a space station? What do you want to do, send her down the garbage chute?” Zelenia asked sarcastically.

Vega shook her head, “We should leave her here. She would have done the same for us.”

Ricci brightened, “I could take some samples! We might be able to find out some information about Queen Lorianna!”

Without another word, she bent down and started removing various bits of skin, hair, and sparkles from the corpse. Elliana took one of her pink handkerchiefs and laid it delicately over the remaining piece of Galaxia’s cranium. Straightening up she raised her wand, causing a localized glow of sunlight, and a small plant began to grow. A lovely pink sparkly flower sprouted and bloomed, effectively covering the makeshift burial, causing Elliana to smile with satisfaction.

“So, can we take a moment and finally deal with the fact that we have a boy princess now?” Zelenia suddenly exclaimed.

Chad, Magical Space Prince Esteban looked up from his wand, which he appeared to have been having a heart to heart with, and raised his hands in a questioning manner.

“Ladies, ladies. I will admit that this was not what I had planned for when I first agreed to cater this event. But I have to say, it has been a pretty fabulous party in spite of the murdering, and I am really excited about the chance to work with each and every one of you. Why don’t we all have a seat and try to dialogue this out?”

Vega stared at him while Elliana smiled sweetly, Ricci being too absorbed in her work to respond at all. Zelenia whipped around and stalked over to Chad, who smiled blandly back.

“How exactly did you get a keepstone, Chad? I’ve never heard of the domain of Chad before. Care to explain that? Hmm? Care to explain how a stupid boy got magical space princess powers?”

“Well, it’s a funny story now that you mention it.” said Chad, taking a seat on one of the less broken chairs and leaning back. Zelenia made a disgusted noise and threw up her hands as she walked back toward Ricci.

“You see, I was feeling pretty sleepy after eating some giant turkey leg when this floating woman appeared and asked me, well I thought she asked me what my name was. So, I told her. But the funny thing was, she was actually asking me what my domain was. And then I think she got confused so she asked me what I was good at, and I think honestly my greatest power is my ability to listen but she focused on how easily I make friends. The next thing I knew I had this gem embedded into my forehead, which really hurt by the way, and I had a crown, a wand, and this intense desire to save the galaxy and help my Sparkle Sisters.”

Vega just rolled her eyes while Elliana looked confused. Ricci smiled encouragingly at Chad.

“I’m sorry, Chad. But what is it that you do? I mean what are you good at? What are your powers precisely?” asked Zelenia.

“Oh well you know, I am a very good listener, an excellent conversationalist, and a damn fine cook if I do say so myself. I also pride myself on my empathy and my interest in the fine arts.” replied Chad.

“So, you’re wannabe arm candy.” said Vega.

“I’m sorry but are we really going to let this guy into our Sparkle Sisterhood?” asked Zelenia, “We don’t know him at all! He piloted his bear’s head right into our robot’s crotch, his wand is a glowing turkey leg, and he is a BOY! BOYS ARE NOT PRINCESSES!”

“Hey hey.” said Chad, rising from his seat, “Let’s all just take a moment to breathe and regroup here. I hear your feelings and I respect and acknowledge them. Maybe a little break? Are you feeling hangry?”

“Hangry?”

“Yeah! I think you might have some low blood sugar. Why don’t I head back to the kitchen and fix up some snacks for everyone? I make a really amazing shrimp toast.”

“Chad. We just had our team leader murdered and partially decapitated. The queen has gone insane and destroyed the Cosmos Stone, as well as stealing the crown and disappearing. A large portion of the magical space princess population has been wiped out over canapés and apparently there is a massive unknown evil force threatening the galaxy. I don’t think that this is the right time for shrimp toast!”, hissed Zelenia.

Chad raised a finger, “It is always the right time for shrimp toast.”

With that he turned and trotted off to what remained of the kitchen, chatting to his wand as he went. Zelenia turned back to her Sparkle Sisters with an incredulous gesture towards Chad’s retreating form.

“Seriously?” she asked.

“No this is good.” said Vega, “We all went through a lot of personal sacrifice and effort to become the ultimate in magical space princesses and our newest member got his powers thanks to a bad trip.”

“I don’t know, he might not be so bad. He was pretty useful with those White Russians and talking about feelings.” said Ricci, closing up a final sample bag, “Besides, without him we don’t have our powers at all.”

“He seems fine, I guess” said Elliana.

“He isn’t fine!” exploded Zelenia, “He is a hairy boy! He is a hairy boy who has the powers of small talk and cocktails, and whose wand is a piece of meat! Which he talks to, if you haven’t noticed!”

“Yeah, but he manages to look like a girl in his battle armor!” said Ricci.

“Great! Somehow he figured out how to grow boobs, but that doesn’t mean that he is a true magical space princess!”

“Can we just get out of here already?” asked Elliana, “I’m really tired of sitting next to Galaxia’s skull and the sparkles and rainbows are starting to decompose. Why don’t we all just go back to our spaceship and figure out what to do after we get some rest?”

“I don’t know if I want to let Chad on the Sparkleprise.” said Zelenia through clenched teeth.

Vega stood up, “Look. It took a long time for me to become a Magical Space Princess, okay? I had to give up a lot to become part of this team and I am not willing to let one boy ruin what is, let’s be honest, the greatest group of Magical Space Princesses this galaxy has ever seen! We are Magical Space Princess Galaxy Force 5. We have taken on giant space owls. We have fought back an entire army of celestial star raiders by ourselves. We have recovered the lost astral crystals of the first fallen suns. We have saved entire systems before lunch and you mean to tell me, that the thing that is going to break us is Chad?”

“No!” cried Elliana excitedly. Ricci smiled and nodded her head in agreement. The three of them turned and looked expectantly at Zelenia. Before she had a chance to answer, Chad reappeared carrying a silver platter. He had wiped off most of the sparkle blood and had arranged several pieces of shrimp toast on it in a most pleasing design. He presented it to the others, who each took a piece of toast, before bringing it over to Zelenia. Smiling, he raised the platter in offering to her.

Zelenia’s eyes narrowed, “I am allergic to shellfish.”

“Oh yes, I know.” And here Chad reached behind his back and pulled out a small plate, “That is why I made you mini quiche.”

There was silence for a moment. Zelenia slowly leaned in closer to Chad until their noses were almost touching.

“I still don’t like you. I might even slightly hate you.” she said, “But I am hungry and the quiche smell delicious.”

Straightening back up, Zelenia turned to her Sparkle Sisters and shrugged. Munching on the mini quiche, she headed off toward the hangar where they had left the Sparkleprise. After a moment the rest of Magical Space Princess Galaxy Force 5, and Chad, followed her.